MORNING STOICISMIt Wasn't About the Keys
A reflection on Epictetus
You're running late, and the keys have vanished. Then your partner calls from the kitchen: “What time will you be home tonight?”
“Why do you care about tonight? I can't even find my keys to leave now!”
A minute later, the keys turn up in your coat pocket.
Epictetus, a former slave who became one of Rome's best-known Stoic teachers, would have seen this coming. He taught that we're upset less by what happens than by what we tell ourselves about it. Running late had become a small disaster in your head, and an ordinary question sounded like one more demand. Your partner just happened to be standing where the frustration landed.
PRACTICE FOR TODAY
When you're frustrated and someone speaks to you, pause and ask yourself one question:
"Am I upset with this person, or with something else?"
If it's something else, say so. “I'm running late and can't find my keys. Can I text you once I'm on my way?” answers the question without starting a fight.
If the sharp words are already out, go back and apologize. Keep it short, and don't blame them for your reply: “Sorry. I'm upset about being late, and you didn't do anything wrong.”
Aim your frustration at the problem, not at the person standing next to it.